Saturday, August 30, 2014

#62

Today marks a day we step into another new chapter of our lives.

Schmelly's first day at work!

He's been so agitated all day and night these past few days thinking about this first day. Basically you're starting fresh - being all the way at the bottom. So everything is Yes, Sir. Thank you Maam. Please, Excuse Me, and I'm Sorry. I've been there, so the whole notion of starting afresh and the mere thought of having to work myself up is giving me such an anxiety attack right now.

But I believe in his capabilities - I'm sure he'll be able to mix around just fine. He's a social champ, that guy. I can't wait til he comes back home later to tell me all his "war stories"!

*

I've been food tracking and working out more these days because I finally have a device that monitors my activities! It has this Pedometer thang that sets how many steps (goals) you must achieve in a day. Yesterday was the first day of me testing it out - and believe it or not, the default setting "Goal" was 10,000 steps! It sounds like alot (I mean, its a whole lot if you're not doing anything all day sitting on your butt and lying on your back with the tablet glued to your face *guilty) but really - it's not that difficult! I managed to complete 10k yesterday and boy can I tell you how satisfying that felt! I thought about setting it to 15,000 steps today but then I couldn't get out of bed due to severe period cramps. I didn't put on the Gear for most of the 1st half of the day because I didn't feel like disappointing it (oh magad, I actually think I can hurt my Gear's feelings. Me and inanimate objects #foreveralone). But since I had to send Schmelly off, I decided I'd try to at least hit 5k. And I DID! Didn't work out as much as I'd like, but I'm proud to report that I DID scale the stairs instead of using the lift today. Which is a habit that I'm trying to get back into.

It's only been two days but I'm obsessed with it. I've yet to take the Gear out for a running session (the weather has been pretty bad) but maybe tomorrow morning bright and early before the evening thunderstorms. I guess this was an awesome purchase - it definitely motivates me to get up and move around more - JUST to complete the steps. I'm definitely trying to lose weight (ola, what's new #constantstruggle) because I've been absolutely hating the fact that people are pointing out that "nangga mukanya lok. Ya baruk sehat eh!" or when I said I'm not flying any longer: "Why? Overweight ka?" Like WTF.

I know they don't mean anything by it - but it's definitely a sensitive issue to me.

But yessssss this Gear is definitely putting me back on the right track SO I'M SO EXCITED! Let's see how much progress I can have in a week. Okay, two weeks. A month, tops.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

#61

Positive and optimistic. That's the 'mantra' I should be repeating in my mind. Enough of being miserable and self-deprecating - I will and can do something about the things that I DO have a grasp on.

I've always believed in the notion of putting in effort, work towards the goal and leave everything else to God. I'm not pious per se, but its something that keeps me going when the going gets tough.

My posts  have definitely been some sort of yo-yo ... sekejap happy, then its depressing, then crazy, then confusing. But what's life without drama?

Even right now I have no idea what I'm going on about. I want to pour out my thoughts without reservations, but I'm afraid of what I might reveal - even to myself. Because thinking is one thing. But putting those thoughts out in writing just makes them more ... real? Crazy. I'm going crazy.

Kesimpulannya ... I'm glad I've been given some sort of hope for the days to come - even if its still a small flickering light at the end of a endless tunnel.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

#60

Went to bed depressed because my "diet" regime has not been working out. I think this sedentary lifestyle 
I've been on is slowing down my metabolism. I've been putting on more weight even though I've cut down on my portions. 

I used to be able to eat anything I want and not gain weight. But I guess since I've stopped working out and let myself go a few months ago... the kilos have been catching on. 

It's a rollercoaster ride, this thing between weight and I. I've been at my skinniest - 48kgs, and I've been at my heaviest - 80kgs. I wish it was easy. I wish its like, watch workout videos and fall asleep and wake up skinny the next day. Alas, even dreams don't work like that. 

That aside, another driving force for me to roll out from under the sheets this morning and push through a grueling 20-minute (yeah, even a mere 20 minutes wore me out) working, is due to the fact that acne has been sprouting out all across my forehead. I did some research online and found out that it's due to poor digestion and lack of exercise. 

It is ONE thing to be overweight ... but to be PIMPLY as well? Gosh. I don't think I could handle both. I'd probably have a major meltdown. But I'm trying. I'm really trying. A mere 20 minutes today won't change me overnight, but it's definitely a step. Let's hope I have some endorphin pumping through my veins so I can feel more upbeat!

Sunday, August 24, 2014

#59

Trying to remain calm, and remind myself that I've put in the effort, now I'm goin to leave everything into His hands. There's nothing I can do but wait patiently right now.

I have to remind myself that whether it pans out or not, it's all in God's Will - a part of a bigger plan. I must learn to not be disappointed and keep pushing on.

Today I watched a YouTuber and she reminded me that even when some things scare the holy daylights out of you, you musn't give up - you gotta push through and overcome that.

I realized that my life has been clouded with anxiety - the main reason for all my procrastination. Up to today, I never realized that THAT was the reason for it all. I worry about too many things, but now I know that even when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Don't really know if that makes sense, but I must MUST not give in to my anxieties.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

#58

Unintentionally took a nap in the afternoon - so now I'm wide awake. At 0328 hrs. Great.

I'm currently reading the Hungry Years (a book recommended to me by Arth) and I think I'm addicted to food! The book has a few good points that shed some light on some issues : I think about food 24/7... What I could create with the ingredients I've got, watching FoodTube and other food-related tv shows, planning my next meal as I'm eating, thinking about desserts, looking up recipes ....... and even my favorite song right now is about food! ( the parody of Rude by Magic which was made into Food by Ean and Jinny.)

If my thoughts could make me gain weight - I would totally be obese right now.

But could it also mean that I'm passionate about food?

I'm really confused. Because right now, all I can think of is to wake up early and make that sandwich I've been thinking non-stop about for breakfast!

Help!

Monday, August 18, 2014

#57

Should I report that I've done my Clearance? Well, at least I've satisfied Schmelly. Wait - that came out wrong. But, well, two birds with one stone.

I guess my main drive was the fact that I THOUGHT going through with it would give me some closure. Like it was prohibiting me from moving on. As if I was disrupting some cosmic force from disabling me to move on in life i.e. getting a new job. At least that's what I wanted to think. Sure, sure, the feeling of relief afterwards was reward enough, but still.

Schmelly's happy that I finally mustered up courage to do it, because... I've been putting it off for too long. Believe me, even when I was sitting in the car waiting for the office to open that morning, I seriously contemplated reversing out and driving home. Anxiety attack for nothing I tell you. I must have sat there for almost an hour before stepping out.

Life hasn't changed at all! Daily routines include waking up, thinking of what to eat, work out, doodle, laundry, vacuum, doodle, YouTube, nap, plan for dinner, FoodTube, cook dinner, eat dinner, TV, read, sleep. Repeat.

Welcome to my exciting life.

So much for hindering cosmic forces.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

#56

Its funny how life works out, really.

I woke up yesterday with an upbeat mood (rare these days, considering my mood is always bordering on foul) and it stayed that way practically half a day. Sometime around noon, I got a phone call that managed to pull my spirits down into the ground (which is pretty down as I live on the 6th floor of my apartment). I took it out on annihilating the ant problem that we had in the apartment and cleaning, all the while swearing under my breath. Got myself a major headache - most probably from the fumes of the insecticide spray - and took a 2-hour nap.

Woke up from the nap realizing that SHIT HAPPENS, I drag myself to the laptop to scan for more job opportunities. It took a while and a lot of HELLS NO, but I finally came across a job opportunity. I'm hesitant, about it - I think to myself - that's God practically answering your prayers!

I admit, my faith has significantly dwindled the past few months - thinking life is good, and God is working wonders in my life. How could I have forgotten that as easily as He provides, He could as easily take it all away? I took shit for granted. Living life as if nothing else matters. Then everything came crashing down. MH17 happened to top it all off.

But at times like this I always realize that its a test, its a challenge. As cliche as it sounds, my thoughts would immediately divert to that. Every. Single. Time. And of course, isn't everything in life a challenge? Another obstacle? As I always say "It isn't life if its easy." I accept these challenges, and I know that in order for something to happen, I have to move. 'Move' not as in literally moving - but spiritually and mentally.

I realize my faith has been weak. I've been trying to reconnect again, reading scriptures, getting motivated again by the comforting words of the Bible. Like it or not, the answers are all there. You just have to be able to look between the lines and realize it.

I'm not saying that prayer on its own will move mountains ... It's the effort that you put in as well. God will make a way according to His plans, as long as you make the effort to 'move'. I don't know if what I'm writing is making any sense, but that's how I see it.

The opportunity is there, and I'm going to put in my whole effort. If it IS indeed in my "books" then I will be provided with it, but if its not, I will not get disappointed and I must know that He has better plans for me. This is the new outlook that I have right now - I guess being mad and depressed isn't going to get me anywhere.

So why not just TRY to be happy? Just saying.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

#55

Went to bed last night thinking to myself that I'll finally wake up and go get my clearance done. But nope. Another day I don't want to face the demons that haunt my thoughts. I guess a part of me doesn't want to think that everything is finally over.

Once I hand in all the company's property - that's it. It's over.

*

I never want to wake up. I wish I could sleep for days at a time. I wish I could just go into hibernate mode. I wish I could have someone tell me that everything will be alright and that I will pull through this shithole. I wish someone would give me something to do already! I can't live life without a purpose like this. It's already August. 

Sigh.

I guess I really do have to come to terms with the fact that I won't be flying any longer. I guess I'll do that stupid clearance thing tomorrow.