Sunday, May 10, 2020


most days have been great. I sleep, I wake, I cook, I workout, I eat, I game ...

it's been a no-brainer, really. there's nothing much to worry about. so many news articles mention that we have to stick to some kind of schedule so that life seems kinda of normal.

well, my life has never been stuck to a normal schedule for the past 10 years - SO WTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

so we're living life going with the flow - sleep when we want, as long as we want, and well - wake up whenever the hell we want.

it's an average of 8-9 hours of sleep for both Awan and i, and the funny thing is that we go to sleep later and later each and everyday. which means, with about 8 hours of sleep, we usually wake up at about noon these days.

i lamented to Awan that we might just go full circle if this movement order continues any longer (it's now just bumped up to june 9th).

... and we also got wind that flights for our fleet might only commence somewhere in july - SO, that's that.

i'm a little bummed that it's going to take that long to get back to work bcs i feel like i'm not going to be able to know what to do at work anymore hahhahaa

it's going to be like restarting all over again - i'm going to need like a whole week of training flights to get back into the groove of things.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020


What is my life?

I'm a dramatic ass btch sometimes - I really hate failing at anything, so I make a big deal and make it seem like the whole world is ending and be super bummed for hours.

Exhibit A, today - I saw an easy donut recipe online which just had three ingredients. I thought it'd be foolproof and easy. NOPE!

They did NOT turn out good at all. Well  if you count the crunchy exterior, that's where is starts and ends. Haha


Still mushy in the middle and tastes awful! Not sure where I went wrong in the recipe - I followed everything to a T, urgh. All I really wanted were some donuts.

Friday, May 1, 2020


Happy Labor Day .... I guess.

Not much of a laborer these days - and that's in all aspects of the meaning.

The only thing I've labored on are sleep, cooking, eating, watching youtube videos - repeat.

It's been a month and a half since I've flown - and honestly, Awan and I haven't driven each other crazy just yet. We've settled into a somewhat simbiotic relationship where I don't bother him playing video games and he doesn't appear in front of me until he's hungry. Haha

The MCO is loosening up a tad - not too stringent, if you can call it that ... but I don't think I'm ready to venture out just yet.

There's another month til there's possibility for flights for my fleet (domestic flights are starting up) so I figured I should kickstart my diet this month so that I could fit into my uniform in June.

Not just my usual uniform thought - my initial uniform from 5 years ago! Hahaha what a challenge, right?

I've been working out everyday for the past month - which is pretty huge feat bcs I've been neglecting it for years. I haven't seen any weight loss and that's probably bcs I've been eating constantly too. Heh

So I vowed to start eating more healthier - less processed foods, and less take aways.

Let's see how it goes.

Tuesday, April 21, 2020


It's day 35/42 of Malaysia's enforced MCO and my last official working day was 38 days ago.

I felt inclined to post today bcs I got duty changed to standby tomorrow after a whole month of "Available" on my April roster.

There's really no flight that I could be called out for and to be completely honest - I don't really feel like going to work. I've settled on being a complete and utter homebody so venturing out to work would activate my anxiety through the roof.

Also, if my superior would test me on my SEP knowledge, I'd probably be totally blank.

I've been occupying myself with plenty of little activities so I seldom find myself bored.

I've been watching ALOT of youtube (of course), cooking alot - actually baked a cheesecake for the very first time, practicing my Korean, doodling again, working out daily (that's a feat I've never thought I'll ever tackle ever again), and well, cleaning the house every other day.

The whole point I'm trying to make is - I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK ANYTIME SOON.

Tuesday, March 10, 2020


our 7 year wedding anniversary was about a week ago, and sure, it felt like a huge milestone was achieved, but why do i feel like things are getting more ... distant?

was it wrong for me to let him get that ps4 pro? and for him to get caught up in it and ignore me for ages?

i knew what i was getting myself into when i gave him the green light to get it. for the  wouldn't allow myself to feel neglected, because I was the one who said okay.

we were getting better at communication - i found out guys are better at executing certain things when you tell them what to so instead of implying it. but i'm tired of having to always tell someone what to do ... i tell my colleagues what i what, i tell passengers to do what i want, i tell the waiter what i want, i tell the cashier i want to buy this shit ....

i'm not bossy by nature so all this gets pretty tiresome after a while.

i want him to want to do stuff without me having to ask for it ... or for me to expect it. i feel like such a douche sometimes when i tell him to do this/that. he probably doesn't mind but i feel like i reel it in most of the time, catching myself if i find myself becoming more bossy.

i'm honestly at a standstill and i have no clue what to do. i'm not making up any drama bcs there's none - it's getting pretty boring tbh. i hate feeling this way and i don't want to feel this way.


Saturday, January 18, 2020


back from my KIX/HNL flight - and i'm as usual, not adapting well to the jetlag.

i got home, tried my best not to do any chores (laundry), immediately showered and put on a mask and tried to make myself relax and sleep but my body is refusing to cooperate with me.

it's somewhat on high alert for absolutely nothing - like i'm supposed to be doing a million things right now. or maybe the caffeine is just catching up to me late, which it does, sometimes.

i've only had one coffee on my redeye flight - which is quite astounding bcs i usually tend to overcaffeinate myself. i even hid my coffee and tumbler out of sight just so that i won't be tempted by the sweet nectar of my caramel infused coffee.

i'd like to think that on lack of shut eye i'm a tad bit more eloquent than when i'm well rested so here i am spouting nonsense at 0900 in the morning.

i'm so tempted to pop that motion sickness pill that knocks me out in two seconds but i'm afraid that if i take it too often, i'd eventually get hooked and it'll bring me into a dark place.

i've been there once and that ride was not a pleasant one.

essentially there's nothing that i need to escape reality for, but i love the actual feeling of feeling sooooooo sleepy that you doze off in no time. is it peculiar? should i be worried?

i envy those who can inherently sleep anytime, anyplace without even trying. many a times, during my nighstops, i'd fume silently in anger, wide awake in my bed, listening to the deep breathing or snores from the roomate, wishing so intently that i would've been the one to fall asleep first.

i've turned to wearing my noise-cancelling airbuds to sleep, just so that i wouldn't listen to the sounds emitting from my roomate. it has helped, on some occasions - but lately, i've been finding it difficult to just shut off easily.

i've been recommended melatonin, but that sometimes would somehow create bizzare, trippy dreams that would essentially resulting in me waking up more tired rather than fresh.

i've wasted a large portion of my paycheck on sleep sprays, lavender oils, blackout eye shades and massage oils that would promote easy sleep. all would work for a few tries then lose their mojo somewhat shortly after.

i won't self-diagnose myself as an insomniac, but rather as a troubled-sleeper.

i'm not sure if it's just another sleeping problem, or is it some psycho-analytical shit that i should see someone for. now that's a whole other can of worms that i'd rather not unearth (harhar so punny).